I get crazy because I know you’re lying to me and I know there’s nothing I can do about it. I felt you getting distant and caring more about what people think than the fact that I needed you. Maybe I have control issues, I don’t know.

It just seems backward to care more about a scene that will spit you right back out than about the one person who will love you no matter what you do. Or maybe that’s why you do it. Because you know I’ll still be here in the end, after all of these people leave you for the next big thing because let’s face it: the world doesn’t give a shit about genius and talent. They don’t understand it. They don’t understand you. 

I would never do that to you. I would drop everything in my life for you. I don’t expect you to feel that strongly about me, but I would like for you to show me a little bit more respect. I’ve told you many times how vulnerable I am to you and that I don’t care what the truth is as long as you don’t lie to me. I feel like you trampled all over my vulnerability and threw it back into my face.

I know you still love me and that if you didn’t have so much going on in your life that required social etiquette that this wouldn’t be a problem at all. I remember when you told me that things are different with me and I still believe that, whether you’ve chosen to ignore it or not.

I know you’re probably right taking this time away because it seems that every single time we take a break, we come back stronger than before. The timing is off, but this was the only time I had to do what I did, so I did it. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you, though I know I did because you were the only person I had here and I was lonely and felt like you were abandoning me. I still felt that now that I was more readily available, I wasn’t as valuable. It was selfish and egotistical of me to think that it was me and not just that you had other things going on.

I just wanted everything to be smooth and easy, to have my fairytale ending. Girl takes the leap to be with the only person she’s ever truly loved and boy is grateful to have more time with her. Instead she sees him less than ever. Instead she learns that love is not everyone’s priority.

I realize now that I can’t control these things. I have to just let them happen.

You’re still the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I fall asleep. I hope you’re thinking of me too, but that it’s much less painful for you.