August 28, 2010
Cliche “I miss you.”

I get crazy because I know you’re lying to me and I know there’s nothing I can do about it. I felt you getting distant and caring more about what people think than the fact that I needed you. Maybe I have control issues, I don’t know.

It just seems backward to care more about a scene that will spit you right back out than about the one person who will love you no matter what you do. Or maybe that’s why you do it. Because you know I’ll still be here in the end, after all of these people leave you for the next big thing because let’s face it: the world doesn’t give a shit about genius and talent. They don’t understand it. They don’t understand you. 

I would never do that to you. I would drop everything in my life for you. I don’t expect you to feel that strongly about me, but I would like for you to show me a little bit more respect. I’ve told you many times how vulnerable I am to you and that I don’t care what the truth is as long as you don’t lie to me. I feel like you trampled all over my vulnerability and threw it back into my face.

I know you still love me and that if you didn’t have so much going on in your life that required social etiquette that this wouldn’t be a problem at all. I remember when you told me that things are different with me and I still believe that, whether you’ve chosen to ignore it or not.

I know you’re probably right taking this time away because it seems that every single time we take a break, we come back stronger than before. The timing is off, but this was the only time I had to do what I did, so I did it. I didn’t mean to put pressure on you, though I know I did because you were the only person I had here and I was lonely and felt like you were abandoning me. I still felt that now that I was more readily available, I wasn’t as valuable. It was selfish and egotistical of me to think that it was me and not just that you had other things going on.

I just wanted everything to be smooth and easy, to have my fairytale ending. Girl takes the leap to be with the only person she’s ever truly loved and boy is grateful to have more time with her. Instead she sees him less than ever. Instead she learns that love is not everyone’s priority.

I realize now that I can’t control these things. I have to just let them happen.

You’re still the first thing I think of when I wake up and the last thing before I fall asleep. I hope you’re thinking of me too, but that it’s much less painful for you.

12:36pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmatWyz9Nrg
January 17, 2010
"But everyone’s parents moaned on about stuff like that. Remember when you could drive anywhere? Remember when everyone lived in the pleeblands? Remember when you could fly anywhere in the world, without fear? Remember hamburger chains, always real beef, remember hot-dog stands? Remember before New York was New New York? Remember when voting mattered? It was all standard lunchtime hand-puppet stuff."

— Margaret Atwood, Oryx and Crake

10:40pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmatWyKHpRs
Filed under: books reading 
January 7, 2010
Things Fall Together

I’m not the first person to contemplate the universe and its events and happenings. I’m also definitely not the first to notice that bad things and good things sometimes occur as avalanches, all rolling down the hill ready to splatter you and leave you completely frostbitten and unable to move. When I was younger, the negative avalanches seemed much more frequent. Whether this was because I was more sensitive to little things that accumulated rather easily, little things that I’m able to shrug off now or because I was unable to direct my energy the way I am now, I’m still not sure.

Recently, the positive avalanches have been coming at me and I can barely keep up. I’ve gotten back in touch with my one and only true love, and I have plans to move to his city to see how things go. I’ve been encouraged and supported in the pursuit of my passion, which is literature. I’ll have my BA in May and I’ve been pushed toward the grad school route. I’ve been making a good amount of money just by putting my head down, being humble and doing some work. Opportunities have been opening up to me one after the other as soon as I show some interest.

I don’t know what I’ve done to deserve such happiness and good fortune, but I’m going to do my best to continue on this path and hopefully help others who are not so fortunate!

8:11pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmatWyJDtYV
(Notes: 1)
  
Filed under: life positivity love 
January 6, 2010
"But as the heart is tender, and the passions in these tides ebb and flow ten times in a minute, I instantly bring her back again; and as I do all things in extremes, I place her in the very centre of the milky-way——-"

— Laurence Sterne, Tristram Shandy

4:48pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmatWyJ5-mq
Filed under: reading books 
October 19, 2009
The Bible According to Nicole

I doubt it’s a huge secret that I’m quite unlearned in the arena of religion in general. I’ve been to church three times in my life: once with my Catholic grandmother, and twice to a Christian church to see if it was for me (it wasn’t). I’ve always admired people who’ve grown up with religion, who have had it around their entire lives to do with it what they will, even though most of the time it was shoved down their throats. I don’t blame my parents as they were both resentful Catholics and didn’t want me to resent God, but I feel like I was never even given a chance to see what it was all about.

So I’ve grown up agnostic by default. I’ve had inklings and curiosity but overall I’ve consistently felt like the ability to decide whether or not God exists is largely beyond my powers of reasoning. Though I’ve been wondering, I’ve never really taken the steps to even begin learning because religion seemed so vast and unpenetrable. I attempted to read the Bible once or twice but the language turned me off before I’d really even begun. I always felt like reading translations other than the KJV was cheating.

Once I started getting more deeply involved in my scholarly pursuit of literature, however, I realized that I could no longer ignore the Bible. I’m lucky (blessed?) to be studying at the University at Buffalo, where the opportunity of a strictly literary study of the Bible has opened up.

Though it is by far one of the most low-pressure courses of my semester, I’m finding myself drawn in. Okay, so it’s repetitive and the language is outdated (and who is to say whether these are just literary/oratorical devices, faults of printing/copying, or purposeful?) but I’m awe-struck at the violent and power-hungry attitudes of a God that is so revered on such a broad scale.

I’ve only read Genesis, Exodus and Deuteronomy so far, but I’m starting to align with Jewish beliefs as much as I am able, not being of Jewish descent or raised with religion. At 22, it’s even more difficult to begin truly believing in something that is inherently difficult to believe in. But a lot of things in my life and in literature are slowly but surely becoming much more clear and I am so incredibly grateful to have the opportunity to study the actual Bible without the pressures or instilled beliefs of a priest, rabbi, whomever to color my reading.

1:08pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmatWyCyvZt
Filed under: reading 
July 23, 2009
I resemble my favorite authors in the worst kind of way…

My reading has recently been limited mostly to British authors of the eighteenth century and I’m hardly complaining. I find I relate more to Brits than I do to Americans these days. I drink too much, I love too much, I believe in humanity. I can admit when I make mistakes.

A major theme in my readings has been the tendency to love fast and constantly. There is never a time in my life when I am lacking a love interest. Sometimes there are many at a time, sometimes it’s unrequited, sometimes I am swept up, sometimes not. Most of the time I am not seeking a romantic interest. Mostly just a focus for my energies.

I just appreciate people. Humanity.

Maybe that’s a good focus for my thesis?

11:25pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmatWy8qX30
Filed under: love reading humanity 
July 23, 2009
Waiting (from a previous blog

It always strikes me when I least expect it. Excitement (!!!) : whenever there’s something to look forward to, I take it with grace and humility until the event is a day or two from occurring and then I explode in a flurry of clumsiness, timidity and fire. Anxiety rains down over everything I do and colors my world in bright yellow and lime green, making me blind to physical reality. Syntax becomes nonexistent as sentences run on and on for pages endlessly detailing every single action and emotion that could possibly be born of restlessness or suspense until finally I realize that I haven’t seen a punctuation mark in quite a while and shouldn’t there be one soon?

And in the hustle-bustle of packing and shopping and laundry, something is inevitably forgotten. Something important.

When the day finally comes, it’s not nearly as sensational as it should be. It’s wonderful and fun, but not sensational.

How very anti-climactic of you, life.

10:49pm  |   URL: http://tmblr.co/ZmatWy8qSDb
Filed under: LA writing